Eight years ago, I had come face to face with suicide. I never expected that it will ever happen to me. As a mental health professional, I thought I am immune to any mental health issue, let alone suicide ideations. Allow me to elaborate how it looked to me years back...
Everything, literally everything...have I said everything? Yes everything! Everything was gray and black in my life. I felt empty, I felt nothing, I was like a zombie. There was this void I cannot understand.
I had paranormal experiences. I heard voices (much like thoughts but not thoughts, I hear them but they are thoughts...I wish I could explain it better). The voices were telling me to hurt myself with every opportunity I can take. Interestingly, the voices were so strong that I felt like i had no choice but to follow. There were many times I have attempted to leap from my condo. The moment I wake up, the first thing I hear was to grab a knife and stab myself. I felt like my room was haunted, I hear sounds at the most unlikely hours. I was enveloped by fear, I felt helpless.
I no longer know myself. I cannot even afford to look at myself in the mirror and when I do, I do not know the person I see in the mirror. I felt disconnected. My eyes were empty... it was not me in the mirror. She is a stranger, I do not know her...
I hated God! I hated Life. I blamed him for everything wrong that has happened in my life. I was filled with anger, with resentment, with hatred.
I looked perfectly fine on the outside. No one noticed! No one knew! I was productive at work, I looked happy! ---- No one knew, therefore, no one asked!
What did I do?
People generally will tell me "seek help. Talk to me, open up your problems, do not keep it inside you...just pray, just trust God, life is good, there is hope... see the doctor, take medicines, perhaps get admitted to the hospital... or just be strong...bla bla bla...."
I did not talk to anybody. - will anybody understand me? How do I explain what is going on with me because I myself cannot wrap my head around it.
I did not tell anyone- I was afraid to be labelled "crazy". I was afraid to be sent to the hospital and get medicated or worse, receive electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
I wore a "happy mask" outside, making sure nobody notices how I feel and therefore not probe into my life experiences ( I just do not think they will be able to handle it anyway).
What got me out?
I used the prayer of protection by St. Michael prayer of protection and the exorcism prayer for the lay. Creepy right? Why these prayers? I truly felt haunted at that time, I was having paranormal experiences...I was covered in fear... I constantly hear voices to hurt myself. I had copies of these prayers everywhere, in my wallet, my toilet, my kitchen, my bedside, everywhere! Each time I hear these voices, I would take my prayers and re-read them over and over and over again until the voices leave me. I do not have a minute to waste when I hear these voices. The dark force is just so strong.
I surrendered to God/Higher Power/Source. Knelt before Him. I said on my knees " this is it, I surrender, save me! help me!'
How this experience changed me?
It taught me to choose life everyday, every waking moment! I was not living life before this experience. I was a like a living-dead...like a zombie going through all my routines and repeat. Suicide taught me this, to live, to choose to be alive.
Suicide introduced me to the non-physical realm, to the world of the spirits, the unseen, to other dimensions and levels of consciousness.
It led my to my "ikigai".. doing the work that I do know,--Hypnotherapy and the Healing Arts-- I cannot describe the peace, joy and freedom I am experiencing now. I feel aligned with my greater purpose.
In spite of the lessons I got from this experience to a point that I consider it as a "Gift", I would not want to go through it again...that was enough..[we're cool Universe!, one is enough 😅😅]
If I may...I am outlining my personal understanding of why suicidal ideation occurs:
Shout for help
Deep desire for validation, attention, and to be seen
Hopelessness and powerlessness
Exhausted about life
My message to those going through this
Let us get in an agreement to set the suicide attempts aside. To delay it, at least not now, not today. let's do any or all of the following instead.
Digest your emotions
Get out of the victim mindset
Take life one moment at a time
Start something totally new! Press the reset button with the same body.
Have your needs met.
Reach out for support, when you are ready
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