Updated: Apr 23
1. You have to know what "you" want
I have learned that it is important for me to know what I want which means to be able to identify what is it that others want for me and expect from me and what it is that I want for myself. It is this sense of "clarity", "wholeness", and "alignment" that will save me from relationship drama, conflicts and confusions. Knowing why I want what is want is also important. Is it to have someone to share a life with? Is it for partnership? Is it to meet a void within me? Is it to meet some of my personal needs? Is it an attempt to heal my trauma? Is it to gain validation? Is it to gain social belongingness and acceptance?
2. Love is not ..........
I used to think that when a person loves me, he has to do everything I want to a point of sacrificing what he wants and who he is just to please me. Loving is not controlling and in some sense, loving is not suffering. To love is to experience freedom, freedom to be ourselves and to grow. Love is not sex (only) and sex (alone) is not love.
3. The key to change is within
I have always spent every second of my life blaming the other person for the faults in the relationships. Interestingly, I did think I was coming from the best intention (at that time) as to why I'd exhaust my energy changing the other person (but not myself). I have assumed the 'masculine energy', driving the direction and propelling the relationship forward, that I have missed to acknowledge the nature within me, my 'feminine energy'. It took me several years and several relationships to understand that if I want change, I have to look within me as the experiences I have on the outside are merely reflections of what is going on inside me.
4. Self-love is golden
Whew! This one is big...my past relationships made me realize how much I do not love myself. I would outsource all the love, attention, compassion, kindness (and name every wonderful emotion you can think of ...) from the man I am in a relationship with. Believe me, this is not a nice space to be in. This leads to a constant pull-push dynamic that ends up very frustrating and dramatic for both sides. I want to thank all my past relationships for teaching me lessons of self-love: setting my boundaries, being in alignment with my truth, and acknowledging my own value and worth as a woman and as a human,
5. My intimate relationship is part of life but is not life and is not the only relationship in my life.
Yikes! terrifying as it sounds... I have made my intimate relationship as my one and only world, as my entire life (although from the outside, it did not seem so---I hid it very well). And so when it broke down, I broke...It seemed like I lost everything, I lost my life, and lost my world and my desire to live. I have learned that I have allowed myself to be blind to other relationships around me that also matter a lot...and I eventually allowed these other relationships to matter-- my family and relatives, my friends, my workmates, myself, nature, strangers (yes! the random humans I meet) and God.
How about you, what's your experience-like? what have you learned in your relationships? Feel free to share in the comments section below
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